Today I kinda turned down by a guy, who I was interested in and thought he might be interested in me as well. The feelings of disappointment sucks. I keep debating with myself and told everything that happened between him and me to my friends (both girls and guys) in order to get their opinion on whether he liked me and if I was mistaken that he turned down on me.
For a few hours of debating and discussion, I kept thinking if he liked me until something more important dawned on me - if I REALLY liked him.
I grew up in China and in a very traditional Chinese family. Before I graduated from college, all the things my parents and my family cared about was my academic performance. They would try everything to have me focus on my study - and the thing called puppy love was absolutely prohibited. As a result, even though I fell in love in someone in school, I would just pretend nothing happened to avoid myself getting into any trouble or questions coming from parents and teachers.
However, after I graduated from college, things got to change. I have to say that some culture in China - and even in the whole Asia - is a bit strange, especially for the girls in my opinion. When girls go to college, they will prohibit any puppy love stories. If a girl got I'm a relationship with a boy, people think she is a bad girl and the parents will feel embarrassed for her. However, when the girls start graduating from college at about 23 years old, everyone will try to push the girls to get married and start having kids. And if girls don't get to be married by the age of 30, the society would think the girls were not liked by any guys. They even give them a name out of it - called "sheng nv", meaning leftover women. It may sound funny but it's very harsh.
And unfortunately same thing happened to me even though I came to the US at the age of 18 and have been living here since then. My parents try to push me to get married. Even though I don't feel this is right, because I don't think that's something that can be pushed, my life and my feelings has gotten affected by it. Now in my subconscious, every time I meet a guy and if I think he's good looking, I would think if he's available. It might sound reasonable. However, I think that's the reason that causes problem. I just focus how he looks and if he's available rather than if I really like him personally. True love needs a good foundation and some of them are personality, if the two parties get along, whether hey have same interests and goals, and so on. But given that I didn't truly understand this at my school ages (even thought I was in 3 relationship before), it is hard for me to think about that when my parents try to push me to get married.
Who does not want true love? Everybody wants it. But not everyone is the lucky ones. It is a process to understand both others and self. Over the course, it may be a lot of confusing, heartbroken, depressing moments. Some people go down and give up; others may get bolder and keep trying. Which one you want to be, it's really up to you.
For me, I think I tend to be the latter - someone keeps trying because I believe in true love and I believe someday, and I will sincerely pray that, I will find my true love that makes all the past sacrifice worthy. How to try? Next time when I meet a guy, I won't judge him by his looking and if he's available. Instead, I will be a true self and be friends with him first, get to know each other and let things go from there.